Suzie Chick

As the nights draw in, I’ve been slowly hibernating on the sofa indulging in a spot of movie watching. One of my chosen viewings of late was a drama call Endings Beginnings. This movie included a scene where someone describes what ended his last relationship explaining that he saw his partner’s used dental floss and that was it for him.  As a viewer I found this is a bit hard to get my head around, was used dental floss seriously enough to end a long term relationship? But then I remembered the power of the ick!

What is the ick?

The concept of the ick was first coined in the kooky legal drama, Ally McBeal and describes experiencing a strong gut reaction, mainly repulsion, to someone’s behaviour.  This reaction can prove so powerful that it extinguishes the sexual chemistry in the relationship and marks the beginning of the end.

The internet threw out numerous examples of ick-like behaviour including not using pillowcases, eating remnants of flossing, his mother cutting his toenails, urinating on the toilet seat and shovelling food whilst eating. Just typing some of these examples gives me a taste of the ick!

As humans, we feel far more comfortable coming up with reasons as to why we might be feeling disgust or suddenly going off someone, then just having the sensation without any explanation.  Psychotherapist, Philippa Perry explains that by finding an ick, we are providing a reason for the relational issue when it’s more a feeling without cognitive justification. We experience the gut reaction first and then think of a reason afterwards, this is called post-rationalisation. 

Ignore or listen?

Getting the ick could certainly represent a juncture in your relationship. Which way you may turn, (i.e., leave or stay) depends on the context. Is the ick just something minor which you need to resolve within yourself or an indication of bigger issues in the relationship?

Sometimes we unconsciously look for an ick as a way out, especially if we feel uncomfortable with intimate relationships in general. We essentially try to sabotage our relationship to protect us from possibly getting hurt or even just experiencing the unfamiliarity of being loved or feeling safe. 

Our attraction to partners can change over time and sometimes we confuse this adjustment as a reason to end things. Let’s not forget its lust at first sight, not love. Love is what comes after when we really get to know the other person and vice versa. 

If the ick is something minor and remains minor, then the test for us is whether we can improve our level of tolerance towards the specific behaviour. We need to be aware that our partner is more than likely tolerating aspects of us which they find a little troublesome and/or annoying.  Our challenge to ourselves is to accept our partner, flaws and all, just as much as we hope to be loved and accepted by them. 

However, some ick like behaviour could foreshadow problems, such as selfish, uncaring or narcissistic behaviour by the other person. For example, if our partner is rude to serving staff this might indicate anger or power issues. Or if our partner consistently flouts rules in places then there might be issues with authority and control. The ick can act as a warning sign for us to pay attention to. We should always listen to our instincts; they are normally right.

The key to dealing with the ick is to personally acknowledge and be curious about it. It is telling us something either about ourselves or the other person. We give ourselves the ick and it doesn’t necessarily indicate that the other person has done anything wrong. Hence the need for some self-reflection before making any hasty relationship decisions. So, look within first before acting.

Photo by Samuel Ramos on Unsplash