Suzie Chick

The heart will break, but broken live on

Lord Byron

It’s February and love is in the air! But the 14th of the month can be a tricky day to negotiate for those who are suffering from heartbreak. So, I thought this month I would explore the impact of this tough emotional condition and how we might find a way through to brighter times. 

Let’s make this very clear, in case there is any doubt, heartbreak sucks. It leaves us in emotional agony, stunned and bereft. We are all wired for connection to others for our survival. When we are in intimate relationships, our bodies actually begin to co-regulate with each other. Our hormones can line up with our partner as well as our respiration rate, our brain waves even sync up. So, when a relationship is brutally severed, it can be traumatic. 

What happens

Research has shown that our brains in heartbreak react similar to when people experience withdrawal from addictions such as nicotine or cocaine. The feel-good hormones of dopamine and oxytocin which are generated when we’re loved up, drop sharply with the stress hormone cortisol taking their place. Too much cortisol for too long can contribute to feelings of anxiety, nausea as well as developing acne and weight gain. 

There is even a medical condition called Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy which relates to the physical stress caused by a heart-breaking situation.  This condition involves the left ventricle of the heart being “stunned” or paralysed bringing on heart-attack like symptoms including chest pains, shortness of breath and nausea. Thankfully the condition doesn’t cause permanent damage. 

Heartbreak involves a significant loss which we need to grieve. It can be tempting to not move through the pain, but holding on to what was before only delays the inevitable. The fabulous therapists who are The Jungian Life podcast describe heartbreak as an encounter with the self that cannot be bargained with. We have to let heartbreak change us.

Road to recovery

I feel there are some important short-term steps we can take to help us recover, these include:

• Stop contact with the heartbreaker (either temporarily or permanently) and avoid stalking them on social media (tempting I know but it just prolongs our recovery and normally causes us more upset). 
• Also draw on your support networks (family, friends etc). It’s ok to lean on them to help you get through the tricky early stages. Most of us have experienced, and most importantly recovered, from heartbreak so you are not alone. 
• Often when a relationship ends, we’re left with gaps in our calendar, so it’s a good idea to try and fill them with hobbies both new and old. Create some new routines and replace past memories with new ones.  
• Don’t forget exercise too, getting some of those positive endorphins going after a bit of cardio can really help lift our mood. 
• It can be tempting to start dating someone new very quickly after a heartbreak but skipping our grief is never a good idea. It’s far better to process the past relationship before embarking on anything new. That way we can approach the new relationship having learnt from our past experiences and not carrying unconscious emotional baggage which might trip us up with our new partner. 

When the initial shock and pain has subsided, then we can consider the relationship and understand what worked and what didn’t. We can undertake a bit of a relationship reality check. It can be easy to hold only the positives of our former partner whilst going through heartbreak, often ignoring the aspects which didn’t fit us so well. There will be lessons to learn and hopefully we can grow from the experience. I feel sometimes we’re too quick to call relationships which don’t last, failures. But to me they did work for a time and maybe that was all they were meant to be. 

The Jungian Life therapists explain that if we surrender to love, then we will be different afterwards. Our hearts reconstitute post heartbreak. We love differently, with less naivety and ego, but with more sensitivity, depth and resilience.  

If we are to take the big leap to love, then we expose our self to the possibility of heartbreak. And we should take comfort in that. It takes massive courage to love with our whole heart.  It’s a cliché but it is far better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  As “Eat Pray Love” author Elizabeth Gilbert explains its “a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.” 

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash