Suzie Chick

“Someone call the doctor. Got a case of a love bipolar. Stuck on a roller coaster. Can’t get off this ride” Katy Perry, Lyrics from Hot N Cold

I have recently been inspired by some of my clients (and my supervisor) to watch Married at First Sight. For those who don’t know, this TV show is where complete strangers marry each other and undergo an intense experiment where they are advised by experts in their relationships and filmed throughout. Talk about a crash course in love!

I was at first sceptical of the show but the more I have watched, the more I have been sold. Firstly, the experts, including the fabulous Mel Schilling, are tremendous. In the British version recently, one expert, Paul Brunson perfectly challenged one particular person displaying toxic traits, explaining that “you have moderate emotional intelligence, and then you weaponise it.” Amazing! 

As I was indulging in the latest series of the original Australian show, I was struck by one couple: Ellie and Ben. Ben came across as quite inauthentic (will the real Ben please stand up) whilst Ellie was sincere in her wishes for children and a family. Ben gave completely confusing signals, one moment he’s lavishing Ellie with praise, the next he’s making lists of all the things he doesn’t like about her (including her age and where she lives)! Ben performed these cycles several times on the show. Poor Ellie was like a dear in the headlights. Completely dumbfounded, not knowing what to think or feel. It obviously came to a head in front of the experts where Ellie bravely explained that his behaviour had eroded her self- esteem, and thankfully Ben was given his marching orders. 

As I watched this confusing behaviour, one term came to my mind: trauma bonding. 

What is it?

In short, trauma bonding describes the attachment a victim may feel towards their abuser, where they get caught in a repetitive cycle of physical and/or emotional trauma peppered with positive reinforcement.

The term was first coined by Dr Patrick Carnes in 1997 through his work in addiction therapy. He explained that trauma bonding occurs due to the way our brains handle trauma and how we react to the experience of danger, shame or exploitation. 

The bond is developed by the abuser alternating abuse with really positive experiences, which when repeated many times strengthens the bond and leaves the victim unable to recognise the signs thereby making it harder to break the cycle and leave the relationship. The victim is essentially conditioned to continually forgive the abuse and become stuck in the relationship. A trauma bond doesn’t have to just exist in intimate relationships, it can also occur at work, or in an organised group (like a cult) or between a parent and child.

Getting caught 

It’s generally acknowledged that there are seven stages to trauma bonding in a relationship, this being:

1. Love bombing – treats the victim well with buying gifts, making grand gestures etc.
2. Trust and dependency – creates a false sense of safety.
3. Criticism – the abuser pulls the rug and turns on the victim.
4. Gaslighting and manipulation – the victim is made to feel confused about what’s going on, they struggle to recognise what’s real and what’s not.
5. Giving up/ resignation – the victim begins to give up, feeling there is no way out of the relationship.
6. Self-loss/ distress – the victim begins to lose a sense of themselves. 
7. Cycle repeats – the love bombing begins again; the love overshadows the fear of further abuse and so the relationship continues

It’s perfectly natural to form a bond with someone who is treating you well, (in the first stage), and it’s this positive stage that often keeps people in these cycles as they hold onto the past happy memories hoping that the relationship can return to that time again.

Some studies of these toxic relationships suggest that the victim remains in the cycle as they are unconsciously trying to resolve old wounds. For example, “my father never heard me” and so we might be attracted to someone who also struggles to be present with us, creating the opportunity to try and get a different result, to be heard, something we couldn’t do when we were young. 

Anyone can get caught in this cycle of trauma bonding (I speak from personal experience), but there can be a few common factors that can make us more susceptible such as having low self-esteem, experiencing financial difficulties, having a poor support system and experiencing trauma in our past. 

Breaking out

The trauma bonding cycle is so that it can make its victim feel pretty powerless and controlled by the abuser. It can prove very hard to break, even if you leave the relationship, the bond can still remain.

Every relationship needs to be considered in context, for example if there is physical violence then taking steps to leave needs to be carefully managed to keep everyone safe, this is where a professional can really help. Leaving a toxic relationship can unfortunately be the most dangerous time as the abuser senses them losing control and will normally act fast and hard to get it back.

Hard as it is, the cycle can be broken and escape to freedom is possible. The following actions (in no particular order) can help with recovery:

• Avoid self-blame – Believing that you’re responsible for the abuse keeps you locked into the cycle. If we believe we’re responsible, we might believe we have some control to change the outcome. Abuse is never the victim’s fault.  
• Practice self-care –Self-care can involve little treats, such as walks in nature, long baths, having a massage etc. but it can also be about our internal worlds. Coupled with not holding self-blame about what’s happened, holding compassion for yourself can help greatly. Be caring and understanding towards yourself, like a good friend would. Getting out of a trauma bond requires strength and courage, and something you should be proud of. 
• Listen to your feelings – Trauma bonding often involves your feelings being dismissed or challenged. Your feelings are valid and legitimate. Start writing your feelings and experiences in a journal. Beginning this kind of dialogue with yourself can help build your resolve for positive action and can be a great resource to reread when you feel vulnerable in the future. 
• Call it out – The day you acknowledge and accept what is truly going on, is the first day of the rest of your life. Naming what is happening to yourself, and others makes it real and solid and easier to move on from. Naming it to the abuser can be powerful but it’s likely not to be accepted by them and could make things worse, so always take care of yourself and think things through.  Admitting the reality of the situation to yourself is key.
• Stop contact – The toxic cycle needs to be disrupted completely. Contact with the abuser needs to stop or change dramatically (say if childcare is an issue). Geographical distance is vital in my opinion, staying at a safe place gives you that vital breathing space to recover and grow more resolved to moving on. 
• Understand the cycle – Get some knowledge about trauma bonding and the cycle so that you can gain some emotional distance through education. Seeing the stages of the cycle in action can help you feel more in control and less susceptible to getting hooked. 
• Get support – Having accepted what is happening in the relationship, start drawing on the support of friends and family. A therapist can offer a precious space to unpack what’s happened, understand it and develop new ways forward.
• Boundaries – It’s our favourite word for us therapists! Setting clear boundaries which make you feel safe and in control is incredibly important to breaking the trauma bond. When we know and declare where our lines are (what is acceptable and not acceptable to us) we can achieve a stronger sense of self (something that gets lost in the cycle of abuse). The challenge as always once we know what our boundaries are, is to hold to them and push back when someone tries to cross them (this is something a therapist can help you with). 
• Grieve – Ending any relationship, no matter how good or bad, is a loss of some kind. So, it’s important to acknowledge that. It can help us let go and move on. The majority of grief is often focused on what could have been, the potential future that will never be.  

Finding yourself caught in a trauma bond is not your fault. Finding attachment and connection is a human need that we instinctively want to have in our lives. It is the abuser who is to blame. The cycle you can get caught in is complex and confusing and is meant to keep you in it for as long as possible. Realising what is happening is a massive first step to breaking free. Calling on support from friends, family and maybe a therapist will help you recover. So don’t suffer alone, reach out, speak out and find freedom. 

Photo by lil artsy