Suzie Chick

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” CS Lewis

I recently moved to a new area where I didn’t know anyone locally (interesting decision there Suze)! The first couple of weeks consisted of me feeling at a loose end, spending long Sundays wandering around the local town, watching other people socialise with friends and family. At times I felt lonely. I was missing my tribe. 

For me, a tribe is a group of supportive friends who I can connect with through shared interests and values. I can confide in my tribe; I trust them and they know me (warts and all). But finding a tribe can prove to be a real challenge. Making, keeping and nourishing good friendships in adulthood isn’t half as easy as it was when we were young. Finding your tribe is no walk in the park. 

A tribe provides us with a sense of belonging, which Dr William Chopik, (professor of psychology at Michigan State University), describes as a fundamental human need. Connecting with others is paramount to our mental and physical health. Researchers at Brigham Young University discovered that loneliness is about as risky as alcoholism or smoking 15 cigarettes a day. 

And unfortunately, the sense of loneliness and isolation has only gotten worse over time. A study conducted in 1985 and 2004 measuring the number of people in our lives we recently discussed important matters with, showed a drop from 3 friends in 1985 to 0 in 2004! The number of respondents who said that they had no confidants in 1985 was 10% but this rose to 25% in 2004. 

And I wonder how those statistics might look 20 years on. Has the advent of social media made us less or lonelier? We may have lots of friends/followers on the various platforms but who do we go to when we need help or support? The wonderful Esther Perel beautifully encapsulated this issue recently (in conversation with Brene Brown) saying “I have 1000 friends but not a single person to feed my cat.”

Friendships in adulthood

Research has shown that the majority of adult friendships start to struggle post the age of 25 as people move away, maybe start a family etc. Certainly, maintaining friendships in adulthood requires a great deal more effort than say when we were at school or university where meeting up was taken for granted. Sociologist, Rebecca Adams comments that friendships happen organically when we have repeated unplanned interactions and shared vulnerability. This is something which rarely happens in adulthood and so we have to recreate this infrastructure say through pursuing a hobby.

Studies (from the University of Kansas) have also shown that creating a friendship between two people requires on average 90 hours and to make that friendship close the hours invested goes up to 200. That a whole lot of time to find amongst all our other demands in life. No wonder it’s a struggle to discover our tribe. 

Add into the mix if you’re shy, suffer from social anxiety, have a lifestyle where you’re on the move a lot etc, then you have an even bigger challenge to find some high-quality connections. 

How to find your tribe

So, what can we do to help find our tribe?

Having trawled through the advice available, (and keeping my own experience in mind), these I feel are the top tips to help locate your people:

• Take action! This is by far the most important advice. I for one have definitely found myself wallowing in my personal pity bunker moaning about the lack of socials in my calendar, only to realise that I haven’t made the effort myself to improve things. You have to make things happen. Your tribe, just like your perfect partner, is not going to come knocking on your door while you sit in your pj’s on a Friday night. You have to get out there and make things happen. 
• Make sure you have a clear idea of what it is you are looking for– Ask yourself some searching questions like what are your values? What kind of connections do I want? What can I offer in friendship? Is there any learning from past friendships?
• Take risks and be vulnerable – I know this sounds scary, because it is, but it’s also exciting and will be so rewarding. I have never attended an event (often solo) without feeling pretty anxious and have always been so chuffed afterwards that I went and didn’t let my fear get the better of me. Without taking some risks, we don’t progress in life. If the anxiety is proving tough, then see if you can get a friend or family member to come with you or put some boundaries around how long you’re going to stay (so it doesn’t feel too overwhelming). Small talk can be tough (for most of us). What I have learnt is to ask others questions and be curious, and that normally keeps things flowing.
• Say yes! – This is a big one for me. I came from a family who says no to all social invitations (fun right?) so saying yes to people was something I had to consciously do, and the more I did the more comfortable it became. Saying yes to invitations is like the light in a taxi, it’s saying I’m ready and available. 
• Be open minded and positive – research has shown that those who assume that they will be accepted when entering a group, often are as they automatically come across as warm and friendly. This is compared to those who assume rejection, and normally create this happening through their attitude and demeanour. 
• Shared interests and hobbies are a great way to make new friends, be it through an evening class or a spot of local volunteering.
• Don’t forget friends that maybe you’ve lost touch with. If you find yourself missing them or remembering your friendship fondly then maybe there is something, there to revive. 
• Check social media and the internet for possible ideas. Meet Up was formed after 9/11 to help encourage more social connection. I have been attending Meet Up events for years and am always amazed by the wide variety of groups available, from hiking, to spirituality, to dating, to even peer support groups for therapists (ok the last one is my group- shameless plug)! Social media is also a great way to virtually meet people with similar interests, hobbies or who live locally to you. There are even apps focused on friendship like Bumble for Friends.
• After meeting new people, see if you’re able to notice how you feel directly afterwards. There’s an old saying about people being drains (someone who takes energy from you) or radiators (someone who warms and nourishes you). If you leave feeling upbeat, inspired etc then it’s a good sign of a decent relationship (the same can also apply to first dates). It’s ok to have some discernment about who you want to be friends with, we can’t expect to get on with everyone. For me, remember the rule of three: a third of people will like you (hurrah), a third of people won’t and the last third won’t have much of an opinion either way. 
• Be realistic and commit – Be realistic about your schedule, it’s ok to book a catch up a fair bit in advance. As we venture further into adulthood, our diaries become more packed and complex to manage. So, you’ve got to be realistic, you probably can’t see your friend who lives miles away, and has two young children at a moment’s notice. You’re going to need to be patient and flexible and book it in advance. So am afraid spontaneous meet ups, much as they are portrayed on TV, don’t happen that much in real life (sorry).
• Manage your expectations– Similar to being realistic, don’t heave a massive lot of pressure onto an early friendship. Some friendships won’t last and that’s ok, they are obviously not your tribe. Rejection although painful at the time is inevitable. If we can learn from each failed connection, then it can help us adjust our radar for the ones who might be tribe members.  Just like in romantic relationships, no friend is every perfect or can meet all of your needs. Appreciate the friendship for what it is and let it have space and room to breath and develop. 
• Celebrate your friendships – I find it odd that we celebrate anniversaries in romantic relationships but rarely with friendships. I love the idea of having say a China (the porcelain not the country) anniversary to celebrate 20 years of friendship. So don’t forget to really acknowledge and celebrate those friends who have been with you a while. 

It’s very easy in our busy hectic worlds to neglect friendships, but we do so at our peril. A tribe can help us feel a sense of belonging in the world and prove incredibly vital at times of personal crisis. When we feel we’re too busy to see a friend, that’s when we need to see them the most. 

Like a gorgeous plant or flower, friendships need tending to so that they can grow and bloom, with their roots growing deeper and stronger with every season. 

Photo by Levi Guzman on Unsplash

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