Suzie Chick

These days the topic of money is on a lot of people’s minds. Markets are volatile, governments and banks are scrambling, jobs feel insecure. There’s lots of unknowns, uncertainties and certainly lots of change. Understandably anxiety around money is pretty high. Households are having to roll with the financial punches (so to speak) and find a way forward through the potential turmoil. Our ability to discuss all things money is incredibly important in these times.

To speak personally, I’ve recently needed to confront some of my fears and discomfort around money and communicating with those I care about. I had to take back some of the projections I put on others about how money should be managed (notice the should aka my moral judgement).  I’ve even begun a course with a money coach which has proved fascinating especially in terms of what my personality type is around money and how it influences my affairs both at home and work.

A 2019 report by Lloyds Bank found that half of UK adults found talking about money a taboo and another study said almost a quarter of people found talking to their partner about finances “awkward”.  Money can be a touchy topic in relationships, so what factors do we need to consider?

What we bring to the table

An obvious important matter to consider is our own individual relationship with money before we even start to wonder about the relationship. 

Money is not a straightforward matter. It appears on the surface pretty logical and rational but our relationship to it can be anything but. Money can bring up a great deal of emotion. A key influence is how money was considered in our family of origin. A fascinating question I find sometimes to ask new clients is whether it was known how much their parents earned. A simple and yet revealing enquiry. Was money known and openly discussed or kept secret? Was money weaponised for power or control? Were there attachment anxieties around money? How much financial security was available growing up? All of these aspects will heavily influence how we feel about money in general, let alone trying to talk through issues and conflicts with our partner.

A possible money imbalance

The union of two people can bring up issues around money, especially if one person earns significantly more than the other. If matters aren’t discussed and agreed, it’s quite easy for resentments and dependencies to develop. Having different attitudes towards money can also be a source of potential conflict.

Fairness, rather than equality, is an advisable way to approach money imbalances. For example, fairness is not about going halves but rather apportioning amounts. Couples should aim to share financial responsibilities and maintain some level of control or autonomy over their affairs. 

A sticky debate is whether a joint account is a good idea or not. Research suggests that younger generations find the concept a tad outdated for modern relationships. It certainly is a sign of trust and commitment to pool your finances together but should only be considered after careful consideration. Agreements on boundaries and how the account will operate should be in place before taking that big financial step. 

A possible alternative to a joint account could be composing a shared budget.  Starting a budget together requires transparency and openness about the ins and outs of our financial affairs. A spreadsheet could be set up to help as well as there being some really useful apps on the market to help monitor, track and share spending etc. As with the joint account, boundaries need to be agreed as to the limits and uses of the budget, and then of course the budget needs to be reviewed regularly, ideally setting aside some time say each month to come together and talk. 

This topic of money and relationship is so hefty that I can’t really do it justice in just one post. So next month I’ll pick the discussion back up where I’ll explain my top tips for talking about money with a partner.  Till next time.