Suzie Chick

Welcome back one and all! If you recall last month, I was discussing the prickly topic of money and relationship, exploring why the topic can be fraught with potential trouble. And so, this month I’d like to conclude with how best to approach these discussions with our loved ones. Hope you find this useful.

How to handle conversations about money

Given the tricky terrain money chat can be in intimate relationships, here are my top recommendations on how to approach these discussions:

Get some context, get some history – Understanding what each person is bringing to the table in terms of beliefs, values and experiences around money will be important to establish as the foundations for any discussions. 

This can include fears and worries about money (for example fears of scarcity or feeling clueless around figures) as well as understanding our personal financial goals or priorities. 

This part of the discussion can be useful to know what the possible triggers might be in your discussions and how to possibly avoid them or at least identify them quickly and resolve them before anything escalates. 

Set the scene – It is very common for couples to find spaces outside of the home most useful when it comes to difficult conversations. 

Sitting side by side in a stationary car or on a bench or walking alongside each other are great ways of having discussions in a neutral place, where contact isn’t too intense, and you can both easily take a breather. 

So be very conscious about when and where you’ll have this conversation and agree it between you. It’s important for both of you to know and understand what this time is for, catching someone off guard is never a good way to having a constructive discussion. 

Take turns to speak and listen – This sounds obvious, but when we’re in intimate relationships it’s possible that we sometimes forget our conversational manners. 

Be present and attentive and remember this is your partner who you’re talking with, someone who cares and loves you and someone who is on the same side as you (so to speak). Take regular comfort breaks to help maintain presence and allow some time to come up for air if things get a bit intense or heated. 

Most disagreements come from miscommunication and so it can be really useful to check back and clarify what your partner has said to avoid any misunderstandings. It’s also an easy way for each of you to feel heard and acknowledged by each other (it’s even a technique in couples counselling called imago dialogue).

Stay with “I” statements – When approaching a prickly topic like money where people can often get upset, its best to keep to “I” statements rather than “you” statements. 

For example, saying “I feel anxious about our spending habits” is more constructive than “You’re always overspending.” The “you” statement is likely to feel like an attack to the other person and bring out defensiveness in response. 

Be prepared to compromise – Coming into these discussions with no willingness to give and take will get you exactly nowhere. Relationship is all about compromise. 

Start with finding some common ground, things you do value/ agree on and work from there. Acknowledge your differences around money and maybe even value the quality the other person brings. 

For example, one partner might be quite anxious and controlling about money and the other might have a more “laissez faire” view (don’t forget opposites attract isn’t just a saying, it has psychological substance). Finding the middle ground between the two ways of being might be the perfect situation for both parties.

You might find it useful to complete a money quiz to understand your own relationship more, there are some good free ones available (I’d recommend Sarah Brill’s Sacred Money Archetypes).

Agree a way forward and make a plan – A plan to take forward not only makes both people feel involved and responsible for the future but also represents a tangible practical product of navigating this tricky topic.  

Regular check backs – As with most things in life, it’s all about the journey not the destination. 

These kinds of discussions should be happening on a regular basis, maybe using the agreed plan, as a way of checking back on progress and how you are both feeling. The more these discussions take place, the easier they will become. 

Conversations with our partners about money really can’t be avoided. Money is such an important part of our lives, whether we like it or not. To avoid these discussions, is to avoid real intimacy, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel at times. 

Entering an intimate union is like entering a long-term business partnership of sorts and so its imperative to have an open, honest and kind dialogue about how you want your “business” to run especially financially. 

A recent research study by ClearScore found 20% of respondents wished they spoke to their partner more about money and 23% said that they only spoke to their partners about money four times a year. 

Money is not an easy topic for most of us, it can bring up all sorts of thoughts and feelings, but if we are to build a safe secure space for our relationship to flourish there has to be room for these kinds of difficult conversations.