Suzie Chick

“Love casts out fear; but conversely fear casts out love. And not only love. Fear also casts out intelligence, casts out goodness, casts out all thought of beauty and truth” Aldous Huxley, writer and philosopher. 

“It’s coming on Christmas” as Joni Mitchell sings and for most of us this is a time of coming together and celebrating the festive season and the end of another year. For me, most importantly this time of year is about connecting with others. This has got me thinking about the importance of human connection and a talk I recently attended (led by husband-and-wife team, Dr Stephen Porges and Dr Sue Carter) which explained that love can heal – literally.

The science

So, what am I really talking about here? I am referring to the power of the hormone oxytocin, often referred to as “the love hormone”.

Oxytocin is one of the few hormones produced in the brain (specifically the hypothalamus) and then released into the bloodstream. Initially this hormone was greatly misunderstood to be produced by females only, via the reproductive organs, but now with more research its known that we all produce this much needed hormone.

Oxytocin is a stress coping hormone which has anti-inflammatory and antioxidant effects on the body, so it’s production is incredibly useful at fighting the effects of chronic stress. Cortisol, a hormone produced under stress, is greatly reduced by Oxytocin. 

Oxytocin plays an important role in social bonding, be it between parent and child, between intimate partners or good friends (our relationships with our pets can also benefit). This hormone is released when we hug, hold hands, share meaningful eye contact or when we feel deeply understood by another. 

Oxytocin not only makes us feel good (think about that lovely feeling of catching up with a close friend who really gets you), but as a hormone it has profound physiological benefits too. It helps regulate heart rate and blood pressure, supports immune function, promotes sleep and even promotes wound healing. Emotionally, it fosters a sense of trust, safety, and connection, the very conditions in which psychological growth becomes possible. Oxytocin facilitates a sense of safety and synchrony, as a well as the capacity to relax and restore.

Issues linked to deficient or disordered levels of oxytocin include chronic pain, obesity, osteoporosis, depression and anxiety. 

Oxytocin for me is not just “the love hormone” but “the healing hormone”. 

Isolation

Hopefully the importance of this hormone is becoming clear and so when we think about what we all experienced through the Covid pandemic (having to restrict/stop our social interactions), you can imagine how low our levels of oxytocin might have been and what effect that may have had on our physical and mental well-being. The worst punishment for people in prison is often solitary confinement as to be deprived of any contact with another is profoundly painful, on many levels.

Our reliance on technology is increasing our levels of isolation and depriving us of moments for oxytocin production. As the wonderful psychotherapist, Esther Perel once commented, you may have hundreds of friends on Facebook, but do you have someone you can ask to take care of your cat? Something for us to ponder next time we’re overly attentive to the screen before us and not the person physically near us trying to connect. 

In therapy

So, how does oxytocin play a role in the healing we may experience in the therapy room?

For me the big word is safety. When, in therapy, we feel seen, accepted, understood and cared for, we can begin to shift our nervous system from one of a state of threat (think fight, flight, freeze) to one of safety.  When we feel that special connection with another, our therapist, our brains produce oxytocin, helping us feel calm and safe. Through our therapist remaining calm and regulated themselves, we are able to experience what is called co-regulation where we too can feel calm and steady. This is greatly helped by our therapist appropriately naming our distress and explaining the context around it, helping us manage difficult emotions more easily rather than feeling overwhelmed by them. 

In therapy, the relational bond between client and therapist becomes a corrective experience. As we like to say in therapy, it is the relationship that heals. 

How to get more Oxytocin 

Oxytocin is produced naturally by the brain, under certain conditions, so how we can encourage its production?

• Physical Touch – one of the biggest triggers to release oxytocin is physical touch, so holding hands, having a hug, being intimate with a partner or even getting a massage can help. 
• Eye contact – in our modern times of ever-present technology, it’s very easy to miss eye contact when conversing with another. So next time you meet a good friend, put away your phone and be attentive and present with the person in front of you. That kind of attentive engagement can really make a difference.
• Acts of kindness – Doing something good for someone, no matter how small, can generate that lovely warm feeling within as we often receive a sense of gratitude and appreciation in return. 
• Share a giggle – shared laughter, be it through a shared memory, a funny film or attending a comedy show, strengthens social bonds and helps encourage oxytocin. 
• Have a sing song – Christmas can be a time for singing carols or fabulous/terrible festive songs, (Fairy tale of New York is one of my favourites). Singing allows us to connect with others emotionally, hence the oxytocin release.
• Don’t forget pets – We can get a hit of oxytocin not just through connecting with other humans, but also connecting with pets with whom we have strong attachments. 
• Practice gratitude – The “G” word can sometimes cause the odd eye roll due to the hijacking of this practice by the wellness brigade. But cynicism aside something useful can be gained from taking a moment say at the end of our day, to name specific things we feel grateful for (e.g., a good friend’s phone call, feeling the sun on our face etc). Practising gratitude can help direct us towards connection and safety.
• Meditation practice – certain guided meditations can help stimulate regions of the brain for oxytocin release. For example, the Loving-Kindness meditation (originally from the Buddhist tradition) can help encourage empathy towards others and compassion towards ourselves. [link]
• Magnesium – Research suggests that magnesium is essential for the healthy function of the hypothalamus and pituitary gland, the regions in the brain that produce and release oxytocin. When magnesium levels are low, your oxytocin response can be weaker. We can help improve our magnesium levels by eating magnesium rich foods such as leafy greens, nuts, seeds and dark chocolate.  

I am very much of the thought that our minds and bodies echo each other in lots of ways. When we feel emotionally distressed, our bodies respond. All of our systems, both biological and psychological, are influenced by each other. Oxytocin is a great example of this. We, as humans, are wired for connection, it not only helps us mentally feel a sense of safety and belonging but also physically helps release oxytocin which helps our bodies fight chronic stress and inflammation. Feeling loved (in lots of ways, not just romantic) is a biological necessity. So, as we enter this festive season, when most of us spend time together with loved ones, we can appreciate how good these connections can make us feel both in our minds and hearts. 

As a gesture of season’s greetings, I thought I’d share with you one of my favourite pictures which I feel encapsulates the awe and wonder of this time of year. It’s a photo from 1950 by Unosuke Gamou of Japanese children enjoying the snow. It never fails to make me smile. I hope you like it too. Happy festive holiday to all!