Suzie Chick

“More is lost by indecision than wrong decision. Indecision is the thief of opportunity” Marcus Tullius Cicero (Roman philosopher)

I had the strangest experience when it came to writing my blog this month. I just couldn’t decide what to focus on. I love writing my monthly ponderings and so it came as a shock when I struggled to put pen to paper. 

I wrote several rough drafts on various different topics. All good, all valid and all interesting topics.  And yet every time I tried to venture more into my drafting something within me was holding me back. I felt a pang in my stomach, I sensed something didn’t feel right, something wasn’t in flow and that I should proceed with caution.  I just couldn’t seem to settle, decide and commit to a direction this month. I then noticed that in other areas of my life I’ve been struggling at times to make a decision even just what book to read or what to watch on TV.  On the inside I felt anxious and heavy.

What always makes me chuckle, is that to not make a decision is a decision in itself! This is not a familiar feeling for me so I thought if I can’t decide what to write about this month, maybe the topic should be indecision!

Threat and safety

At a fundamental level, indecision is an inner tug of war between our needs and fears. To decide is to move forward, to make change, get clarity but to not decide is to remain in safety and certainty. When we’re in this tug of war, we get overwhelmed and stuck. 

We might start to overthink of the possible options to take, of what could go wrong, what we could do to mitigate the risks, searching for the “right” answer and struggling to land on something.  

I certainly can relate to this when it came to my drafting this month. I started to overthink about the potential value of my ideas, how my readers might receive my words, and then add in the time pressure (which I put on myself) to get the draft ready to publish, and I got tied up in knots and couldn’t move in any direction. I began to even question the value of my writing (an old core negative belief (as the CBT community calls it)) which only further disabled me from decision. 

And just to add fuel to the flames, our old defensive friend, perfectionism might kick in where we feel if we can’t get it right or perfect, it’s better to not do it at all. We live in a culture where no choice is permanent, there’s always more than one option. If we remain on the fence, it feeds a fantasy of perfection.

When we’re feeling a little wobblier or unsettled than normal, less sure of ourselves and our world then indecision might kick in to protect ourselves. It’s safer to stay still, to not take action than to venture out and be bold. Our anxiety gets the better of us and stops us from moving forwards. We stay stuck or even frozen, in response to some kind of threat. On a psychic level we’re not feeling entirely safe and so turn to feeling stuck as a way of coping.  It makes sense and is perfectly normal, but only really works in the short term as it can have a negative impact in the long term. 

Impact

Despite indecision being a potentially protective strategy, it can take a toll in the long-term.

Delaying taking a step forward, can prolong the anxiety we’re trying to manage and only increase feelings of self-doubt. If we continue to not make decisions, we may start to mistrust ourselves and lose touch with our wants and needs. 

By staying stuck in limbo, we allow our bodies to remain in an anxious state of low-level threat leading to feeling constantly on edge. Our bodies aren’t meant to stay in this state for long periods of time and it can exhaust us.

I use the word stuck on purpose around indecision as it indicates how we’re not fully alive in this state. We trap ourselves in endless cognitive loops, never landing on a decision, never going forward. We become disconnected from our vitality. We miss opportunities, we don’t take risks, we don’t live a full and meaningful life.  Playing it safe keeps ourselves small and stuck. We hold ourselves back from reaching our full potential.

How to shift

So, when we find ourselves unable to make a decision, stuck in limbo, what can we do to help ourselves?

• What is our fear?  – as mentioned above, we become indecisive in reaction to fear and a need to protect ourselves. For example, in my situation with my monthly blog, I began to fear not providing something useful for my readers. I was doubting my value as a writer. My underlying fear was making the wrong decision and not getting it right.  If we can pinpoint what exactly we’re afraid of, then we should be able to not only understand ourselves better but also help ourselves to move forward. Naming fears often reduces their power over us. 
• Our decisions do not equal our identity – Making a distinction between the decisions we make and who we are helps reduce the pressure we might put on ourselves to “get it right.” We are human and often will make decisions that in hindsight might be seen as poor or rash. That doesn’t make us stupid or foolish, it makes us human. We can’t know that at the time how things may pan out in the future. We can only make decisions based on what we know at the time. Our choices do not define us.
• Shift out of threat mode – It’s not just our psyche that gets caught in threat mode, it’s our body too. So, one way of helping us shift out of fear is to calm our bodies with deep breaths and grounding techniques. When our bodies feel safe, choices become possible. 
• Baby steps, small choices – Start making small, low risk choices to help build trust in ourselves which will help us feel more confident and capable when the bigger decisions are needed.
• Connect with our values -Understanding our values can sometimes help us see a way forward more clearly if we’re stuck on making a choice. For example, a core value of mine is truth and for me to be honest in this monthly blog about what I was experiencing helped me get out of feeling stuck. 

For me, I found this checklist of how to shift really useful. It allowed me to take a step back and be curious about what was going on. Becoming present and acknowledging my fears and doubts really helped. Sharing my struggle with a good friend helped reduce my anxiety and allowed me to think more clearly.  It seemed obvious after a bit of personal exploration, that the topic of my blog this month should be the very thing I am struggling with, indecision.  Once the idea had come to me, I felt instantly calmer. I had made a decision and was heading forwards. 

When we arrive at a place of indecision, it informs us that something important is going on. We’re not feeling entirely safe and secure. Something in our lives needs our attention. If we can meet our indecision with curiosity and kindness, then we may find a path open ups to treasures previously unknown. As the Austrian poet Rilke wrote:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

Photo by Brendan Church on Unsplash