Suzie Chick

“I’m waiting for a friend to come, to help me off the ground
Better come sooner than later, can’t stop feeling down……
If you’re thinking of me, you’ve got to let me know
‘Cause loneliness seems such a waste, I can’t stop feeling low.”

Dodgy – If you’re thinking of me lyrics- 1993

I wanted this month to explore a concept we use a lot in therapy especially around attachment work, the feeling of being “held in mind”.  What I mean by this is the feeling of being securely remembered and valued by another person especially during times of distress and/or separation.  This feeling creates a sense of trust, emotional safety and stability. It confirms our existence and significance to others. We are seen, known, remembered and cared about, even when we’re upset or not physically present.

Examples of being held in mind, might be a friend checking in with you knowing you’re struggling with something in your life or someone seeing something which reminded them of you and letting you know. You are thought of and held by the other person despite not being physically present with them. They were able to hold you in mind. 

The origins of this concept come from Donald Winnicott (an English paediatrician and psychoanalyst) who coined the term “the holding environment” relating to the safe, consistent, and nurturing space a parent should create for their child. This concept was explored further by Peter Fonagy (a British psychoanalyst and clinical psychologist) through his work on mentalisation. This being our ability to see oneself from the outside and others from the inside. 

Impact

To not have this feeling of being held in mind, can be beautifully encapsulated as “out of sight, out of mind.” The sense that once I am out of the other’s gaze, I will be forgotten by them. Feelings of abandonment or not existing can come from this sense of someone not holding us psychologically. 

Often a child who is not held in mind by their caregivers will develop an avoidant attachment style in their close relationships. People are often held at a distance, not letting people get too close or intimate for fear of re-experiencing the earlier neglect. The person becomes incredibly independent, often way too soon in life, believing that the only person they can rely on is themselves. To depend on others for help or support is something to be avoided at all costs. The original caregivers could not be trusted to remember let alone meet the needs of the child, so best to not trust anyone going forwards either. 

A person can develop negative core beliefs about themselves if they were not held in mind by their caregivers. For example, a belief may be formed that the caregivers were not interested in them enough to hold them mentally, therefore meaning that the child themselves is not interesting. The negative core belief of “I’m not interesting” can follow someone through from childhood into adult life, limiting their interactions with others and the world around them. 

Another impact of not being held in mind, is that the child may develop ways of being to ensure they are remembered in some way, be it for positive or negative reasons. A child may push themselves academically in order to get the holding they need from their caregivers. Or a child may develop psychosomatic illnesses to guarantee attention and have an impact on their caregivers. Or likewise a child may shrink and withdraw from trying to contact with their caregivers, they give up trying to be seen and prefer to stay hidden in the shadows. 

Often when we go out into the World with the experience of once I am not in sight, I am forgotten, we can unintentionally (and unconsciously) recreate the experience with others. 

Speaking personally, I was greatly affected by not being held in mind growing up. I found as an adult I would test my relationships outside of my family to see if others would also fail to hold me psychologically. I would wait for others to remember my birthday or chase me on a future catch up. I would purposefully hold back and withdraw to see if anyone noticed my hiding.  This was a risky strategy which sometimes didn’t work. I was forgotten (for various reasons) and would feel a lonely self-satisfaction with my negative core belief. This way of being kept me stuck in the past.

Therapy and transformation

Despite potentially not being held in mind growing up, we can repair the damage as adults by having more positive experiences. 

Therapy can provide such positive experiences. A therapist is attentive and present, thinking about their client not just in session but also outside. A therapist remembers aspects of the client’s life, what was discussed last session, important dates and anniversaries etc. As the client, you are held in mind. You are not forgotten. 

Part of the holding in therapy is also in the very environment in which the therapy takes place. The safety created in that space is vital. The therapy room for me is absolutely a temenos (the Greek word referring to a piece of land separated from the everyday landscape to create a sacred space). A physical space cut away from the everyday world outside, a space for sanctuary and healing.  Carl Jung related temenos to the magical space created between therapist and client where the work takes place.  Jung described temenos as, “a means of protecting the centre of the personality from being drawn out and from being influenced from outside.” 

The continuity of the space and the therapist creates trust. If you’ve had the experience of key people in your life changing or behaving erratically then this sense of regularity and calm can be greatly comforting. 

The holding continues in emotional containment in therapy. Containment in therapy is when the therapist holds, processes, and makes sense of a client’s overwhelming feelings allowing the client to feel safe, understood and regulated. We become the container. The client feels held emotionally.  Over time, the client internalises these positive experiences and learns to self-contain. 

This containment is sometimes missing when growing up. For example, say a child brings their distress to their caregivers and instead of being contained and soothed, the caregiver takes on the distress and becomes overwhelmed by it. A child soon learns to stop bringing their feelings (especially difficult ones) to their caregivers.

Feeling held in mind by another is a fundamental building block of our self-esteem and relationships. It can, if we’re not used to it, feel quite uncomfortable to experience someone remembering us, thinking of us when we’re not physically present. We can be unfamiliar to this experience, assuming when we leave the room, we don’t exist in the mind of the other. So, one of the challenges involved is allowing ourselves to be seen and known. To allow this experience of being held in mind to not only happen but also to let it impact us.

One of my favourite quotes by Donald Winnicott is “it is a joy to be hidden and a disaster not to be found.” It is our challenge to come out of our hiding place and let ourselves be seen, to take a risk and see if we can be found by the other.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash